Many people live most of their lives without grasping one cruel truth:
You pour your heart out to someone, yet instead of appreciating it, they hate you to the core.
You can't figure it out: "I didn't ask for anything in return. I was so sincere—why would they treat me like this?"
Today, I'm going to share a painful truth with you:
Just because you're kind to someone doesn't mean they'll see it as kindness.
In this world, a certain kind of "kindness" can turn into a knife.
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01 What you see as equality, they see as charity
Let's start with a psychological truth.
Alfred Adler's individual psychology centers on the idea that everyone is born with a feeling of inferiority, which drives human behavior and pushes us to constantly seek superiority, wholeness, and mastery.
By pursuing goals, developing interests, and building social connections, we overcome our innate sense of weakness and form a unique "Life Style."
In his book "The Feeling of Inferiority and the Striving for Superiority," he introduces a core concept: everyone's behavior is motivated by "compensating for feelings of inferiority."
When someone has long been in a state of material or emotional deprivation, their mind stays stuck in the "narcissistic dimension."
What does the narcissistic dimension mean?
In their world, everything is about "high or low," "strong or weak," "who wins or loses."
There is no equality, no resonance, no real emotional connection.
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You think you're being kind in the dimension of "friendship."
But their perception system doesn't even have the option for "friend."
They'll only ask themselves: "Why is this person being so nice to me?"
Then they'll reach two conclusions:
First, you're showing off how capable you are.
Second, you're proving how useless they are.
Every act of "kindness" you give them reminds them——
"You have it, I don't."
"You can do it, I can't."
This isn't love—it's humiliation.
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02 Scarcity can turn kindness into poison
Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert conducted a famous experiment. He found that when someone is stuck in a "scarcity mindset," their brain enters a "Tunnel Vision" mode.
At that point, they can only see "what they're missing" and completely miss "others' goodwill."
What's even scarier——
When what you give them is exactly what they "want but can't have," it triggers a deep sense of shame.
Psychology has a term for this: the "shame-anger conversion mechanism."
When someone feels profound shame but can't face their own incompetence, they instinctively turn that shame into "anger."
And the target of that anger is "the person who made them feel ashamed"——you.
As they say in Taiwanese: turning embarrassment into rage 😅😅
So you'll notice a strange phenomenon:
The kinder you are to them, the more they hate you.
You give them money, they say you're insulting them.
You give them an opportunity, they say you're showing off your network.
You genuinely care about them, they say you're being fake.
This isn't because they're crazy—it's just how their mental system works.
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03 Not everyone deserves your kindness
American social psychologist Roy Baumeister found in his research that a "Victim Mentality" can make someone lose the ability to feel gratitude.
When someone is immersed in the narrative of "I'm so miserable" and "the world owes me," they develop a distorted mindset:
- Others being kind to me is expected (because I'm miserable)
- Others not being kind to me is evil (because you're not helping poor me)
Their logic goes like this:
If you help me, it's your duty;
If you don't help me, you have no conscience.
Even if you help them, they won't be grateful, because "I was supposed to be helped anyway."
What's even scarier——
Your kindness feeds their victim mentality.
The more you help them, the more they feel "I really am miserable, so I need others to help me."
They won't become stronger because of it—they'll only become more dependent and resentful.
In the end, you'll find:
After ten years of being kind to them, all you get is ten years of moral blackmail.
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04 True kindness needs wisdom to protect it
At this point, some might ask:
"So does that mean we shouldn't be kind to anyone?"
Of course not.
But you need to understand——
Kindness is not the same as stupidity. True kindness needs wisdom to protect it.
Teacher Chen Feng gives you three criteria to judge:
First, check if the other person has the will to improve
You can help someone who's temporarily struggling but is striving to move forward.
But don't help someone who's stuck in a "victim narrative" and refuses to come out of it.
The former will treat your help as fuel.
The latter will treat your help as a drug.
Second, check if they have basic gratitude
Someone truly worth helping will remember even the smallest favor you do for them.
Someone not worth helping will take even the biggest favor for granted.
They might even say: "That little bit of help? What's that worth?"
Third, don't try to save someone with kindness
This is the biggest mistake.
You think your love can change them, can heal them.
Wrong.
Psychologist Carl Rogers once said: "No one can be saved by another person. All growth must come from within."
Your kindness can only give them a chance
But change must be completed by them.
If they don't want to change, your kindness will only be drained by them.
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05 The right person understands with one sentence; the wrong person never understands
There are two kinds of people in this world.
The first kind has a healthy mindset and lives in the "emotional dimension."
When you're kind to them, they feel your goodwill.
When you help them, they'll remember your kindness.
This kind of person is worth your effort.
The second kind has a mindset distorted by scarcity and inferiority; they live in the "power dimension."
When you're kind to them, they think you're showing off.
When you help them, they think you're being charitable.
The kinder you are to this kind of person, the more they hate you.
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So you must learn to tell the difference.
Don't waste your kindness on the wrong people.
Don't think your sincerity can move everyone.
Some people don't fail to understand your kindness—they simply lack the ability to understand it.
What you can do is:
Give your kindness to those who deserve it.
Give your time to relationships that are worth it.
Save your energy for souls that can respond.
As for those bottomless pits of scarcity——
It's not that you're cold-blooded; it's that you need to learn to protect yourself.
Because in this world, the greatest kindness is first being kind to yourself.
Only when you are strong and whole can you truly help others.
Instead of being dragged into the abyss by someone else's scarcity.
(End of article)