《Be You for a Day》
Cheng Yi-An realized for the first time that when "It's fine" is said too often, others truly start to believe you're fine.
That night at 11:40, she sat by the window in the restaurant.
The waiter had already asked three times if she wanted to order first.
Each time she smiled and said, "Just a little longer, he's almost here."
In truth, she didn't know when Zhou Xu-Yan would arrive.
At 7:20, he texted: "Something came up, I'll be late."
She replied: "Okay."
At 8:50, he said: "Not done yet."
She sent a smiley face.
At 10:13, there was no message from him.
She didn't ask again either.
The water on the table was refilled four times; outside the window, the city lights went from dusk to deep night. The table next to hers changed guests twice. The family celebrating a birthday behind her had long left. Only the waiter began clearing empty tables.
At 11:52, her phone finally lit up.
"Yi-An, sorry. I really can't get away today. I'll make it up to you another day."
She stared at it for a long time.
Today was their fifth anniversary.
She had wanted to tell him she had booked tickets to Kyoto.
Because five years ago on their first date, Zhou Xu-Yan had said he really wanted to see the autumn leaves in Kyoto once.
She remembered it for five years.
In the end, she only replied with three words.
"It's fine."
Then she called the waiter over.
"Excuse me, could you bring the bill?"
The waiter glanced at the untouched second set of cutlery on the table.
"Miss, would you like the cake packed to go?"
Yi-An froze for a moment.
"No need."
"But it would be a shame."
She looked down at the six-inch cake.
It read:
Five years.
She suddenly smiled.
"Then please throw it away for me."
-------------------
Zhou Xu-Yan wasn't a bad person.
At least that's what everyone said.
He didn't smoke, didn't gamble, didn't get drunk and lose his temper, never cheated, and never said anything harsh to Yi-An.
He was even gentle, in a way.
When it was cold, he would ask if she had a coat on; when she was sick, he would order porridge delivery; knowing she worked late shifts, he would occasionally text "Let me know when you're home."
Friends all said:
"Xu-Yan is actually really good to you."
Yi-An thought so too.
So she never felt comfortable asking for more.
When he was busy, she understood.
When he forgot, she reminded him.
When he disliked check-ins, she stopped asking.
When he hated women throwing tantrums, she learned not to.
Once, unable to hold back, she asked him:
"Do you not like me that much?"
Xu-Yan frowned.
"What's wrong now?"
Those four words made her regret it instantly.
"Nothing."
"Yi-An, I've been really tired lately."
"I know."
"Then don't overthink it."
She nodded.
"Okay."
Later she sat on the bathroom floor and cried for half an hour.
After crying, she washed her face and went out to heat his dinner.
She even found herself ridiculous.
At thirty-two, still crying over a single sentence like she was twenty-two.
---------------
A month after their fifth anniversary, a new brand director joined Xu-Yan's company.
Her name was Xu Man-Qing.
Beautiful, smart, cheerful.
She looked good standing next to Xu-Yan.
Yi-An first met her at a company party.
Man-Qing naturally patted Xu-Yan's shoulder.
"Your girlfriend is really pretty. You've been hiding her for so long."
Xu-Yan smiled and said, "I haven't been hiding her."
"You never mentioned her before."
It was just a joke.
But Yi-An suddenly went quiet.
On the way home, Xu-Yan asked her:
"Tired?"
"A little."
"Then sleep a bit."
"Mm."
She didn't ask why, after five years together, almost no one at the company knew about her.
Nor did she ask why he knew Man-Qing didn't drink champagne and preferred gin.
She was afraid that if she asked, she would become the woman he called "overthinking."
A few weeks later, she found an earring under the passenger seat of his car.
A small pearl earring.
It wasn't hers.
Xu-Yan glanced at it.
"Probably Man-Qing's. We went to see a client together last week."
Yi-An held the earring.
"She rode in your car?"
"The company car broke down, so I just gave her a ride."
"Oh."
Xu-Yan turned to look at her.
"You're upset?"
She had wanted to say a little.
But the words that came out were:
"No."
He smiled.
"I knew you wouldn't mind something like this."
In that moment, Yi-An suddenly wanted to cry.
Not because of Xu Man-Qing.
But because he said...
I knew.
So all the jealousy, grievances, and insecurities she had held back over the years had, in his eyes, become her being naturally uncaring.
----------------
What truly made her decide to leave was a very small thing.
That day she had a fever of 39 degrees.
She went to the hospital alone. By the time the IV was done, it was already 9 p.m.
Sitting outside the emergency room, she suddenly wanted to see Xu-Yan.
So she called him.
"Where are you?"
"Having dinner with a client. What's wrong?"
"I have a fever."
There was a pause on the other end.
"Did you see a doctor?"
"Yes."
"That's good. Go home and rest early."
She gripped the phone.
"Can you come be with me?"
This was probably the first time in five years she had been willful.
Xu-Yan was silent.
Just a few seconds.
But it was enough for her to know the answer.
"Yi-An, I really can't get away right now."
"Mm."
"Call a taxi home. Let me know when you get there."
She suddenly asked:
"What if it was Xu Man-Qing today?"
The other end went quiet.
"Why are you suddenly bringing her up?"
"I was just asking."
"Yi-An, don't be unreasonable."
She froze.
So this was what being unreasonable meant.
The first time in five years she said "I need you," and this was the response.
She suddenly smiled.
"Okay."
"What's wrong with you now?"
"Nothing."
She hung up.
That day she didn't cry.
She just sat at the emergency room entrance, watching people come and go.
Next to her, an old lady was also on an IV. An old man squatted in front of her putting on her shoes, muttering, "I told you not to come out alone, but you never listen."
The old lady complained he was annoying.
The old man still tied her scarf for her.
Yi-An watched them and suddenly understood something.
She had never wanted much.
She had just been asking it from someone who couldn't give it.
That's why it seemed greedy.
-------------
A week later, she asked Xu-Yan out for dinner.
The same restaurant.
The place where she had waited until midnight on their fifth anniversary.
This time he arrived on time.
"Why suddenly here?"
"I wanted to eat here."
He sat down and placed his phone on the table.
"Feeling better?"
"Yes."
"I really couldn't get away that day."
"I know."
"Are you still mad?"
Yi-An shook her head.
"No."
He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.
Seeing his expression, she suddenly felt very sad.
So as long as she wasn't angry, there would never be any problems between them.
Before the food arrived, she asked him:
"Xu-Yan, have you ever thought about being me for a day?"
"What do you mean?"
"Just one day."
She looked at him.
"If you were me, do you think you could bear it?"
He gave a small laugh.
"What's wrong with you today?"
"Waiting at a restaurant from 7 until midnight."
His smile faded a little.
"Going to the doctor alone when sick."
"Yi-An."
"Seeing someone else's earring and still telling yourself not to be petty even though it feels wrong."
"Man-Qing and I really have nothing."
"I know."
She calmly interrupted him.
"That's what makes it even sadder."
Xu-Yan froze.
"If you had actually betrayed me, at least I could hate you."
She lowered her head and smiled.
"But you didn't."
"You just don't love me that much."
Xu-Yan's expression finally changed.
"Do you have to define us like this?"
"Then tell me."
It was the first time she didn't back down.
"What are we?"
"We've been together five years and you've never once talked about the future. I didn't ask because I was afraid of pressuring you. I want to get married, but I don't dare say it. I want you to be with me, but I don't dare ask. When I'm jealous, I have to pretend to be generous. When I'm unhappy, I first have to think whether my unhappiness will annoy you."
Her eyes were red.
But her voice was steady.
"Zhou Xu-Yan, how much more sensible do I have to be before you'll love me?"
He didn't answer.
And his silence finally became the answer.
Yi-An nodded.
"You see."
"It's always like this."
She picked up her bag.
Xu-Yan suddenly grabbed her hand.
"Where are you going?"
"Home."
"We haven't finished talking."
Yi-An looked at the hand holding hers.
For five years, she had waited countless times for this gesture.
She never expected that when it finally happened, it would be when she had decided to leave.
"I want to break up."
His hand tightened abruptly.
"Don't be impulsive."
"I'm not."
"Because I didn't go to the hospital that day?"
She smiled.
"You still don't understand."
-------------
Three months after the breakup, Xu-Yan went to Yi-An's apartment for the first time.
Not to see her.
To move things.
She had found a new place and asked a mutual friend to give him the key so he could take his things.
The apartment felt empty.
While packing, he found a box in the bottom drawer of the desk.
Inside were many things.
The ticket stub from their first movie together.
A sticky note he had casually written for her.
A Polaroid from five years ago.
A Kyoto travel guide.
Two expired plane tickets.
He froze.
The date was the week after their fifth anniversary.
She had booked a trip.
Next to it was a notebook.
The first page read:
"Xu-Yan doesn't like cilantro."
"Drinks coffee without sugar."
"When stressed, doesn't like people asking too many questions."
"Has a weak stomach, can't drink on an empty stomach."
Page after page.
All about him.
The last few pages had very few words.
"Really wanted to ask if he loves me today, but didn't in the end."
"He's been tired lately, don't bother him."
"Actually felt angry today."
"Forget it."
"Forgot it today too."
The last line was written the night before the breakup.
"If only one day he could be me for a day."
Xu-Yan sat in the empty room for a long time without moving.
That night, he truly lived one day of Cheng Yi-An's life for the first time.
Not by swapping bodies.
But by finally standing where she had once stood.
Waiting for someone who wouldn't come.
Guessing the meaning behind a message.
Missing someone who clearly belonged to him, yet he could never hold onto.
He finally understood that being loved by him was such a lonely thing.
-----------_--
Half a year later, they met again at a friend's wedding.
Yi-An had cut her hair short.
She stood in the crowd smiling, not much different from before.
The only difference was she no longer subconsciously looked for his position.
After the banquet ended, Xu-Yan chased after her.
"Yi-An."
She turned around.
"Hm?"
"Can we talk?"
The two walked outside the hotel.
The night breeze was cool.
Xu-Yan was silent for a long time before saying:
"I saw that notebook."
She was stunned for a moment.
"Oh."
"I'm sorry."
This was the first time he had seriously apologized to her.
"I really didn't know before."
Yi-An smiled.
"I know."
"I thought you didn't care about those things."
"Mm."
"I thought you didn't need them."
"Mm."
"I thought..."
She suddenly interrupted him.
"Xu-Yan."
He looked up.
"Look, even now you're still saying what you thought."
He froze.
Yi-An looked at him, her gaze gentle.
But no longer with the carefulness of before.
"Do you know what I used to envy most about you?"
"What?"
"You could be yourself without worry."
She gave a small smile.
"You could be busy, tired, unhappy, not reply to messages, forget anniversaries. Because you knew no matter what, I would always find excuses for you."
"But I couldn't."
"I even had to pick the right time to feel sad."
Xu-Yan's eyes turned red.
"What if it's different now?"
She didn't answer.
"Yi-An, I can change."
"I believe you."
He froze.
She truly believed it.
And precisely because of that, what she said next was even crueler.
"But I don't want to wait anymore."
"It's not that I don't love you."
She paused.
"I just finally understand that loving someone and whether it's right to keep loving them are two different things."
Xu-Yan lowered his head.
A long time later, he asked:
"Is there really no chance left?"
Yi-An looked at the man she had loved for five years.
She had once hoped so much that one day he could stand in her position.
Feel her expectations, jealousy, grievances, the courage she kept mustering only to be denied again and again.
Now he finally understood.
But she suddenly realized she no longer needed it.
"Xu-Yan."
"Mm."
"Thank you for finally being me for a day."
He lifted his eyes.
Hers were also red.
"But these five years, I've been being you the whole time."
Understanding for you.
Forgiving for you.
Explaining for you.
Turning every hurt into something excusable for you.
"So for the remaining days, let me be myself again."
She turned and walked away.
This time, Zhou Xu-Yan didn't chase after her.
Not because he didn't love her.
But because he finally understood that some attempts to hold on are just another form of selfishness.
Yi-An reached the intersection just as the red light turned green.
She walked forward with the crowd.
As she reached the middle of the road, tears finally fell.
She didn't wipe them away.
Nor did she look back.
Leaving someone you still love doesn't bring instant freedom.
It still hurts.
You still miss them.
You still wonder on some nights if you were too cruel.
But at least from today onward, she no longer needs to pretend she's not sad.
No longer needs to fear her emotions aren't pretty enough.
Nor does she need to turn herself into an eternally understanding person just to keep someone.
If love requires one person to keep giving in to look happy, it's not that someone isn't sensible enough.
It's just that the love was never fair to begin with.
She once really wanted to be him for a day.
To know what it felt like to be loved so unconditionally by herself.
Later she didn't want it anymore.
Because she finally understood...
Rather than being you for a day,
I'd rather spend every day from now on
being myself properly.